Living with a hole in my heart

Six months ago I lost one of my best friends/cousin that I've had by me my whole life. This is something I have been struggling with and I am glad I can finally get some of it out. It's been so hard for me that I have been living in my own little world of my children, where I can kind of pretend that this horrific thing did not happen. But for some reason this week it has hit me full force, that there are going to be so many more life changing events in my life that he is not going to be a part of. It hurts me to my core to know that every cousin night from now on is only going to have 6/7ths of the people present. Even though he is with me in my heart literally and figuratively. It still is not enough.

I still remember the night I found out. I had just put my newborn baby to sleep and was drifting off when I got a phone call. My mom did not say anything except Brian is dead through sobs. I walked to Brad (who was sleeping on the couch) who caught me as I almost collapsed and had to stop myself from throwing up everywhere. The rest is a blur. We all got together at my aunts to try to make sense of what had happened. It still does not make sense. He died in his sleep. Peacefully. But why? I will never wrap my head around it. 

The seven of us plus a few extra :)

What I did not expect was how this was going to affect me and my parenting. I have never been so afraid of losing my children. I know my thoughts are irrational but every time I lay them down for a nap or to sleep I think to myself I hope to God they wake up. I hope this does not go on for the rest of my life and I hope I do not lose anyone else important to me for a very long time. 

All grown up!

I know this was a long one for my first blog post but it is something I have been holding in for a while now. I do not know if it will ever get better but I do hope it gets easier. 

I miss you so much Bri.  

-Sara xOxO